


Cat's in the Cradle

by Siriusfan13



Series: Originally posted under joint penname, Dumbledore'sDelight (SiriusFan13 and Zanaia523/ Frost Phoenix) [2]
Category: Batman - All Media Types
Genre: Co-Written, Don't take it seriously, F/M, Gen, Screenplay/Script Format, crack humor, just for fun, silliness, stupid humor
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-26
Updated: 2020-08-26
Packaged: 2021-03-07 00:21:03
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 519
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26127937
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Siriusfan13/pseuds/Siriusfan13
Summary: Just a little peek into the life of Batman and Catwoman after they get married and have a child. Will this marriage work out? Should it? What's going on here? Are Batman and Catwoman... singing? Please read and review!Note: This was originally posted on fanfiction.net under the co-author penname, Dumbledore'sDelight (written with FrostPhoenix/ zanaia523).
Relationships: Catwoman/ Batman
Series: Originally posted under joint penname, Dumbledore'sDelight (SiriusFan13 and Zanaia523/ Frost Phoenix) [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1896424
Comments: 7
Kudos: 2





	Cat's in the Cradle

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Zanaia523](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Zanaia523/gifts).



> Real Author’s Note: This takes place in an Alternate Universe (far, far away) where Catwoman and Batman have not only married, but conceived of a child (God, help us all!) Since we are not crazy enough to think wedlock would change these characters in any way, shape or form, we know that parenthood certainly would not. In that spirit, we have made a small outtake from their assuredly amusing lives, and would like to dedicate this to all people who think that Bruce Wayne should have gotten at least one of the girls, and as a testament to why you are ALL WRONG!
> 
> Disclaimer: If anyone should happen to believe that the deranged minds of the people who brought you this fanfiction actually have enough time and money to own a saga as impressive as Banman, we invite you to sue, as we would like to laugh at your stupidity. Enjoy.

# Cat’s in the Cradle

_Setting: Wayne Manor, Gotham City, newscaster on the television._

**Newscaster:** In the business world, multi-billionaire, Bruce Wayne was married today to environmentalist and animal activist, Selena Kyle, much to the dismay of every single female (and many male) citizen of Gotham. In unrelated news, incidences of cat burglary in Gotham City have plummeted in the last month. The only incidence in recent memory being one Gucci gown stolen from Maria’s Bridal Shop…

_Setting: 10 months later, Baby’s room (dum dum dum!), Wayne Manor._

_(Catwoman sits in costume, ricking new baby to sleep. She is singing.)_

**Catwoman:** Hush, little baby. Don’t say a word. Momma’s gonna catch you a mockingbird. But if that mockingbird can’t sing, Momma’s gonna steal you a diamond ring…

(Proud poppa, Bruce Wayne, home early from the office, now stands just outside the nursery door, listening, with a mildly horrified expression.)

**Catwoman:** _(Song continues)_ And if that diamond ring don’t shine, Momma’s gonna maime that jewelery appraiser of mine. And if that jeweler appraiser should die, Momma’s gonna use you as an alibi. And if that alibi don’t work, then you’ll be stuck here with that Batman jerk.

(Wayne raises one eyebrow, Hiko Seijuro Style - pop -)

**Wayne** ( _mutters,) Hey!_

**Catwoman:** And if that jerk won’t pay the bail, Baby’s gonna bust Momma out of jail. And when that jail break finally goes down, you’ll be the most wanted little baby in town…

(Baby, now asleep, is set in cradle).

**Catwoman:** Goodnight little cat burglar. _(Calls Alfred on baby monitor to come up and watch baby. Then goes out window to find baby a mocking bird…--step one to getting that ring…)_

_(Moments pass. Bruce pulls Batman cowl out of briefcase, takes of reversible office jacket which transforms into cape. Enters room. Rocks cradle. Starts to sing in a pissed off voice…)_

**Batman:** Hush, little baby. Don’t say a word, but Momma’s gonna kill that mockingbird. And when that mockingbird don’t sing, Daddy will buy you a _certified_ diamond ring. And when Momma’s busted for stealing a glass ring, Daddy’s gonna remind her that she promised not to steal anything, any time, EVER AGAIN!

_(Stops, taking deep breath to calm self. Realize is rocking cradle so hard, baby is waking up. Desperately tries to placate baby.)_

**Batman:** _(In annoying little baby talk voice)_ Because Momma pinky swore. Yes, she did. ( _Clears voice and begins singing again.)_ But since Momma stole and went to jail, Daddy isn’t paying a red cent of her bail. Since we won’t see Momma for fifteen years, Daddy’s gonna teach baby to scare criminals to tears. _(Pulls out miniature Batman mask, and dangles it over baby—Thought bubble appears over his head, “The legacy lives on…”)_ And when all those criminals are taken down, you’ll be the cutest Batbaby in town. _(Goes back into irritating baby talk)_ Yes, you will… Gootchie gootchie goo.

Meanwhile, Catowoman is sitting out on a tree with a toroughly disgusted look on her face (thought bubble): I married that? Note to self: Ask attorney about pre-nup when discussing alibi.

The End

_**Epilogue: Divorce pending.** _

**Author's Note:**

> Author’s Note 2: Come on people, you didn’t actually think this marriage would work, did you?
> 
> Author’s Note 3: A comment on the “Hiko Seijuro the 13th-style eyebrow pop.” This reference is for all of you people who are enlightened/ psychotic enough to not only enjoy Rurouni Kenshin AND Batman, but actually be able to see the implied character connection that scene. For those of you who don’t get it, go watch Kenshin or seek counseling, whichever this fanfiction has inspired you to do.
> 
> Disclaimer 2: Oh yeah, we don’t own Kenshin or Hiko either. And, no, we won’t pay for your therapy bill, although we highly recommend Dr. Harlene Quinzel.
> 
> Author’s note 4: For those of you who don’t get the Harlene joke, you have no right to call yourself a Batman fan. But if you’re new and looking to prove yourself, we suggest you read the Batman Graphic Novel: “Mad Love,” which explains Harlene, but really otherwise she has nothing to do with this fanfiction.
> 
> Or type the name into your Google Search, since you’re obviously online to be reading this.
> 
> Disclaimer 3: Yeah… we don’t own Google search either…
> 
> Disclaimer 4: Just to be on the safe side: WE DON’T OWN SQUAT.
> 
> Please read and review.
> 
> Thank you.
> 
> Have a nice day.  
> Soujiro smile –
> 
> Disclaimer 5: Us again… we don’t own… oh never mind, Soujiro’s from Kenshin (See disclaimer 2), look him up on Google (see disclaimer 3).
> 
> Goodbye.


End file.
